Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
