Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
