i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
