I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
