it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
