He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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