It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
