Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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