Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
