I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
