i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
