you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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