You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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