There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
