I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
