I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
