Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
