I wish I could punch you in the face.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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