My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
