we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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