Swine flu. Run for my life!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
