he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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