You're earring is so big in my mouth
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
