i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
