I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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