I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
