You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
