I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's the barista slut.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
