Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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