His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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