Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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