Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
