i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
