never play flip cup with pint glasses
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
