He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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