He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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