Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
