I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
