I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
