Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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