i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
