Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
