one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
