If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
