Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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