Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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