If i could tip my vagina, i would.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
