i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
