Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
