When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
