I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
