mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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