It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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