working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
